Apologies….an art form?

 A couple of months ago I read a book by Gary Chapman called The Five Languages of Apology. While I read the book I thought it was good and I gleaned a few insights, but I have learned over the following months that the concepts in the book have been much more important to me than I realized while first reading the book.

Gary speaks of there being five different languages that we both speak and hear apologies in. They are: expressing regret (saying I’m sorry), accepting responsibility (saying I was wrong), making restitution, genuine repentance (expressing it won’t happen again), and requesting forgiveness.

“When we apologize, we accept responsibility for our behavior, seeking to make amends with the person who has offended.  Genuine apology opens the door to the possibility of forgiveness and reconciliation.  Then we can continue to build the relationship.  Without apology, the offense sits as a barrier, and the quality of the relationship is diminished.  Good relationships are always marked by a willingness to apologize, forgive, and reconcile.  The reason many relationships are cold and distant is because we have failed to apologize.”

I am wrestling through what apologies should include. Someone I know hurt me recently and overstepped my boundaries. Their response when I brought up the issue was “I am sorry you felt that way/feel your boundaries were not respected.” They didn’t say, “I am sorry my actions resulted in you feeling pain.”. Does a genuine apology involve taking responsibility for our behavior? Does it need to be expressed that we are recognizing our behavior affected someone else negatively, or is that just a reflection of how sincere it might come across based on the receiver’s apology language?

It is important to balance owning our own thoughts, feelings, behavior, etc. though with our expectations of others. Regardless of what someone has done to me my reactions are mine to own. If I express that someone must apologize or that a lack of recognizing their part in my pain is their responsibility then I am pushing blame onto them. While an apology that expresses someone genuinely is sorry that their actions hurt may leave me feeling better, the goal is in no way to make the other person feel worse and experience pain through the apology process.

Doing relationships well sure is tough!

Priorities: a pyramid or a circle?

For the last several years I have been processing how to reconcile my beliefs about priorities. Often when we talk about priorities we think of a hierarchy. As Christian we should be putting God at the top, and everything else falls under it. The problem is God wants to be our life, our whole life, so where does God stop as your first priority? If he guides our relationships, our decisions about work, our heart for ministry, etc. then where does he stop and where do family, friends, work, ministry, and personal issues start?

I am learning there is another way to look at priorities. If we put God at the center, then he can be a part of everything that makes up our life. We no longer need to stop having God as a priority, or make him second. Instead, he becomes the central focus of all we are and all we do. He isn’t absent from our relationships, our jobs, or our homes, but instead becomes a guide that resets our priorities and moves in our heart and soul in ways that inspire and change us. Rather than living by priorities and structure it opens the door for us to flow, grow, and breathe freely within the unique facets that make up each of our lives.

The shift from seeing God as someone who asks us to live up to standards to a loving partner who invites us into relationship sounds inviting, but I am realizing as I move forward down this path that it is shaking up everything I have known and believed my entire life. Sometimes I feel like I am holding on for dear life in the middle of this earthquake, but then again the fog, haze, and pollution of the toxic beliefs and lies is starting to clear and what I am seeing is so beautiful. I can’t wait to learn more.

Meeting God face-to-face

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to meet God face to face? I have been reading a book called The Shack by William P. Young. In the book the main character, Mack is faced with exactly that opportunity.

“He now faced another dilemma. What should you do when you come to the door of a house, or cabin in this case, where God might be? Should you knock? Presumably God already knew that Mack was there. Maybe he ought to simply walk in and introduce himself but that seemed equally absurd. And how should he address him? Should he call him Father, or Almighty One, or perhaps Mr. God, and would it be best if he fell down and worshipped, not that he was really in the mood.”

What is the image you have of God, and how would you respond if you found out you were wrong? Do you picture him as old? What if he appeared as a teenager? Do you picture him as male? What if she appeared as a woman? Do you picture him as Caucasian? What if he appeared as middle eastern, black, Asian, or Latino?

If you could talk to God face to face what do you think the conversation would be like? Would you sit down to a cup of coffee or a meal or would you stand in bowed reverence before a king on a throne only speaking when you were spoken to? Would the conversation be full of authority and order, or humility and grace? Would you feel at peace and calm in God’s presence, or overwhelmed and awestruck?

God desires to meet us face-to-face, but to do that would so overwhelm most of us that we could not take it. He presents himself to us in a way we can understand and comprehend without limiting himself by coming to us in that way. Even though we do not meet God face-to-face every day we are not limited in our relationship with him. Know that you can approach God with confidence and that he hears your every thought and prayer.

Squandering what God has given

I have been reading a book, Culture Shift by Robert Lewis and Wayne Cordeiro. In the book Wayne tells a story of when  friend came to him with an offer to entice him to leave Hawaii and take a job at his church somewhere else in the country. He said, “If you don’t think Hawaii is the right place for all the potential still inside of you, then don’t squander God’s gifts.  Hand the baton to someone who will maintain the church, and come help us.”

I have been challenged through this brief story to examine my life and to ask some hard questions. What does it mean to be squandering God’s gifts? Am I squandering God’s gifts? If I am squandering His gifts am I willing to make a change? Do I love God enough to seek to do the best with all he has given me?

God has given us each a variety of skills, gifts, and talents. Christ tells several parables about using our gifts, squandering what we have been given, and preparing for the future. When you think of your job, your family, how you are involved in your church, and where you spend your free time can you say that you are using your gifts fully, or are you wasting what you have been given? In looking at my job and my involvement in my church I know that I am not living up to how God would like to see me live. My job does not allow me to use the talents and gifts I have been given, and my current involvement in my church is a poor representation of who God has made me.

Now comes the even harder questions. What can I and will I do about it? I already am considering stepping out of the ministry I have been involved in to seek other opportunities where I can be used more fully, but it means leaving a type of ministry I am passionate about and have been involved with for a long time. At work, it means working harder to open the doors for new opportunities while also looking outside of my current situation and exploring new avenues and opportunities where I can be serve and share in new ways. I am looking at changing my living situation so I can open my home to be a place of ministry, changing my schedule to free up more time that could be used for God’s plans, and adjusting my priorities so I will be more flexible and spontaneous when God brings opportunities my way.

Are you at the right place for all the potential still inside of you to be used? Wayne’s response was that he was at the right place, but it took work and dedication to make it happen. Will you be like him? If you are not at the right place, what change will you make?

Reflections of God

“When others hurt us, it becomes a reflection on God. If we risk entering a community that claims access to God and we find ourselves betrayed in the process, it becomes the fastest way to beomce a practical atheist. If religion can bring us to God, it can certainly take us from him. ” (Soul Cravings by Erwin Raphael McManus)

All of us are hurt by others. We are part of a world of imperfect people and it is certain we will experience broken relationships and unpleasant circumstances with others. Even the church is filled with broken people, personal agendas, frazzled tempers, shortcomings, failures, and pain. So, how can we keep from hurting others relationship with God?

McManus says “If religion can bring us to God, it can certainly take us from him.” My first reaction is to think poorly of “religion”, but I think his point is that if there are things which have drawn us to knowledge of and relationship with Christ, there are also things that could drive us away. How do you balance those things to stay attentive and involved in your relationship with God instead of depending on the programs, props, and others that are a part of your community? What is your reflection of God built on….a relationship you have built where you spend time directly with God, on your own inner feelings (good or bad), or on a series of relationships built with imperfect humans who may have hurt you along the way? Which one do you think matches God’s heart?

Is your church a battleship or a cruiseship?

I have been reading the book Culture Shift by Robert Lewis and Wayne Cordeiro. In the chapter I read earlier today one of the authors discussed the differences between a battleship and a cruiseship. This led me to think about my church and how it functions.

On a battleship everyone has a role and knows what that role is. Everyone does their part. They work both as individuals, but also as a part of teams, and together they form the overall team of the ship crew. A cruise ship is made up of passengers and a crew. The passengers expect to be assisted, waited on, served, and even pampered while the crew has to work extra hard to make sure all the needs of both the ship and the passengers are met.

Is our church a battleship or a cruiseship? Does everyone have a role and are they performing in that role, or are the many being served by the few who are having to work extra hard? If your church is a cruiseship, what are ways you could be a part of helping it move more toward being a battleship?

If we are a family that is in battle against an enemy who wants to stop us and waylay us from our mightiest goals we are not going to be very successful if we have a cruiseship mentality. Churches should be a place where everyone has a role, everyone is on call, and everyone is giving all they have for the greater team!

Prayer begins with an assumption

When you pray what do you think about? What action do you take? What attitude do you hold? Do you begin with an assumption? If so, what is it?

Dan Allender believes prayer does start with an assumption. “Prayer begins with the assumption that the intimate, all-knowing God knows every thought and intent of the heart before it is conceived or spoken. Prayer does not inform God; rather it draws us into his presence and invites him into our life. Prayer is involvement through the spoken word. In that sense, prayer of any kind and about any subject delights God’s heart. The Lord desires for us to want him, adore him, thank him, need him, love him. To ask God to reveal, confirm, instruct, guide, heal, bless, convict, or comfort invites him to enter our situation and accomplish what he desires.”

Do you enter into prayer looking for answers, or looking for relationship? I think God is delighted to give us answers, but what he wants most is to know us, be with us, and share with us. My goal is to change the way I pray. I desire to move away from always asking “will you” or “please” and start asking “how can we share together” or “what do you want Lord”. Lord, I recognize my selfishness and my past practices of informing you what I want and need rather than sharing in true relationship with you. I want to know you, to share with you, and to hear about and see your heart. Help me to change. Show me what type of a relationship you want Lord. I want to be a woman who seeks you with all she is and has.

I think I am full, but full of what?

Not long ago many of us sat around a house or a table and ate more food than we needed to. With our stomachs full there was a sense of satisfaction because a need had been answered, but what was that need? Over the last two and a half weeks I have completed 6 books, started three others, listened to many sermons and a book on tape. My mind is full, but the question is full of what? Has another need been met? What need? Am I “full” of theory or fact? Fiction or truth? Good or bad? Life or death?

Every day we go through life with different needs. Some we are aware of, but others we aren’t. Those needs drive us, lead us, affect our desires, our dreams, our values, out thoughts, and our actions. When we are aware of those things that fill us we can make a conscious choice about how they will affect us. Sometimes we are open to that, and other times we may deny the influence they have. “I can watch these movies, the content won’t affect me!” What is the influence of the needs that we don’t recognize or are not aware of? Can those needs hurt us?

We are constantly faced with choices, in fact we are faced with so many choices that many of them are things we don’t even consciously pay attention to? When your left leg is uncomfortable do you consciously ask if you should move it? No, but your mind has to make a decision about whether it will or will not move. We can be trained to answer or respond in certain ways. Based on the family and culture you grew up in there are thoughts, beliefs, values, and patterns that you possess and incorporate into your life that are different than mine. You have a choice right now, a choice that you either will or will not respond to, a choice to seek understanding, or not to.  Taking no action really means you are choosing not to act. Will you take action, or are you going to stay where you are and who you are right now? Are you willing to take a look inside, a look at what your needs are? Are you willing to ask what your needs say about you, your relationship with others, and your relationship with God? Are you willing to ask God to help you see the needs you might be blind to? Are you willing to ask how those needs influence you?

The choice is up to you!

Honesty, a step away from deception

“Honesty is the commitment to see reality as it is, without conscious distortion, minimization, or spiritualization.  Honesty begins by admitting we are deceived, and that we would rather construct a false world than face the bright, searing light of truth, and honest person acknowledges his fondness for vague, half-truths that neither required change nor rope away the presumption of self-sufficiency. Why must we admit what is true?  Because dishonesty, or living in denial, is actually an attempt to dethrone God.  It is an attempt to become as a God with the power to construct the world in reality according to our desire.  A person committed to denying hard truths must construct an alternate world and, then, like Atlas, keep its spinning on her own power.  The creation of a false world is really an attempt to shut God out of our world.  It’s much like the child who says, “Unless you play by my rules, I’ll take my ball and bat and go home.” God does not play by our rules nor resolve our wound and ache as we desire; therefore, we leave God’s world and create one that is more palatable to our taste, even if it robs us of life and love.” (Dan Allender)

I came across this quote in a book last week. It has left my mind swirling with thoughts of all the different places that I don’t live an honest life. Places where I am deceived, I construct a false world, and I create a world that I ask God to fit into. How often do I deny the hard truths because they are uncomfortable, unknown, scary, etc.? I had never thought of how it dethrones God.

I had always thought of myself as an honest person because I do not actively, knowingly lie and deceive others. No, my problem is much worse, you see I deceive myself so deeply that I don’t even realize that I am living in a fog and haze. I started creating my reality so long ago and have become so good at living the lie and walking in the dishonesty and denial that I haven’t even known it was there. What will it take to become an honest person? The quote says it starts by admitting we are deceived, okay I admit it not only to myself but to others and to God. I also admit that I desire to make a change to live in the truth, the light, and God’s grace.

Things are changing in my world…a lot is changing. It is a tough place to be, but I feel for the first time in a long time that true change, life giving change and God (not me) is at the heart of this. I choose to walk that path…not just to let it happen but to actively and intentionally pursue it. Here I am Lord…now what?

Learning about wounds

While I was in college I experienced some significant knee problems and had to endure five separate surgeries and countless hours of therapy. After each surgery there was recovery time, time that I needed to set aside where I focused on my physical healing and was patient with myself and my body. I learned a lot about wounds through that process.

• Wounds do not heal overnight
• Wounds do not heal when they are poked, proded, and aggravated constantly
• Wounds need time to breath, they can’t be covered up all the time
• Wounds need to be protected from further damage
• Wounds can be aggravated both on purpose and accidentally
• Wounds should result in a reduction in our activity so the body can focus on healing

During my sophomore year I had a roommate who had a very weak stomach. She could not handle seeing anything bloody, bruised, etc. as it would make her quesy. During that time period I went through my most extensive surgery and had to spend time in full leg brace that covered my 12 inch long wound. I needed to spend time out of the brace, giving my wound time to heal and breathe, but I also needed to respect my roommates feelings. Through that I learned that others are not always able to handle our wounds.

A couple weeks ago I found myself desiring to surrender to a process God has been wanting to do in me for a long time. It is a process I started submitting to several months ago, but I have had many excuses along the way. With the holidays giving me free time and some other responsibilities off my plate I found the door open and no great excuses to pursue opening myself up for God to do the type of surgery he wanted to on my heart, soul, mind, and emotions. It has been a difficult journey, but one with many blessings in it and I am very hopeful about what is coming from it.

Due to this process I found I could not attend church the last few weeks. There was a part of me that wondered if that was a healthy thing, especially when I received a message from a friend who told me she was grieved that I felt I needed to hide. After a lot of reflection I realized I was not hiding, but instead was applying the things I know about wounds to my own emotional health. I needed time, space, air, and to open up my wounds. I needed to protect them from further damage and from the chance that I or others might accidentally cause further hurt. I needed to take a step back from my normal activities and change my behaviors for a time. I also needed to respect others and not open my wounds and expose them to the ugliness of them unless they wanted to be a part of that process.

Last night was the first time since this started that I went out and spent time with people outside of work. I met a friend for coffee and we just talked about life, sports, church, politics, friends, relationships, the Bible, family, holidays, etc. It was a great time to just be in relationship with someone. Sometimes when we are working our wounds (and we all have some) we do hide, put up walls, think of all the negatives, or focus on the past. Take time to look forward, find a reason to hope, spend time laughing, and be kind to yourself.

Reshaping the Image of a King

I have been raised with one concept of God being that of a king. I realized this morning what images that brings to my head. A lot of them come from movies, books, and stories about kings from other cultures. The behavior that happens before a king (or ruler) is to keep your head lower than theirs, approach in submission (even with an element of fear), and to plead your case. The only audience a common person had with a  ruler was to make requests for some assistance.

I was left asking how those images feed into the way I approach God now in my relationship. Do I come before God to just plead my case, feeling like I am not good enough to have relationship with him or be in his presence for more than a short time? Yes, honestly there are times I do feel that way. At the same time I have a concept of God as a loving father that deeply desires intimate relationship with me and wants to spend all day with me conversing about everything in my life, and caring about the smallest detail. Are those two images at odds with each other? I don’t think they have to be, but often they are.

After reflecting on this for the last several hours I have come to realize I need to reshape my image of God. I don’t want to view him as a king who sits on a throne where I have to approach in fear and submission to only plead my case. I want to see him as a leader who is intimately involved with his people, spending time with them where they are at, and caring deeply about them. I think of stories where rulers have changed or shown a move toward that in movies/stories such as The King and I (or Anna and the King), and Princess Diaries. In those stories the rulers changed the status quo. I don’t believe God needs to change, I just need to be sure I am seeing him for who he really is and that I am not relating to him like a ruler from some image I have painted by others.

Lord, show me your character and your heart. Teach me what it means to be in your presence, the presence of someone who is a king, but who is also my dearest friend and deepest love.

Change or transformation?

On many occasions throughout my Christian walk I have talked with others who have told me they don’t have a testimony to share. Often when I talk with them about it, what they are really saying isn’t that they can’t see Christ working or doing something in their life, but they have not been transformed. They may have experienced Christ in a way where they have seen change from one thing to another, but what they really desire to see is transformation from who they used to be into who they are meant to become.

Is change enough, or do we really need to experience transformation?
If we have not experienced transformation, are we in a limited relationship with God?
Do these verses change our thinking about change and transformation?

• Romans 12:2 – Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
• 2 Corinthians 3:18 – And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect [Or contemplate] the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.

When God wants our attention!

When was the last time God tried and succeeded at getting your attention?

I admit, that last weekend I ran away, from God, from people, from me, from life. I had had enough. The holidays were wrapping up, I had four days off of work, and I saw the perfect opportunity to escape. You know the saying “look before you leap”? Well…..I didn’t!

After getting stuck in the snow, being buried as more snow came down, and being left isolated and alone, God had my attention. The next time I want to run away from God, I need to remember that he is the creator of the universe, the owner of the planet, the ultimate weather man, and he knows and sees all. How can you run away from someone who knows everything? How can you run away when he has decided enough is enough and it is time to talk!

In pursuit of a resolution….

Many people have spent the last few days asking “What will I resolve for 2008?” As I had time to do a lot of reading and thinking over the last few days, my thoughts have gone a little astray from the ordinary resolutions. Instead, I have been asking questions like: Am I really walking with God, or am I a hypocrite?

For three years Judas lived, ate, walked, and related to Christ. He served him, shared discussions with him, learned from him, told others about him, and saw him first hand. In the end, he made a choice that we all know led him away from Christ. How many choices happened before that final series of decisions? What led him to choose again and again to turn away from Christ and not embrace the love he was offered? What made Peter run away and deny Christ? What made John run away naked? What makes me think I am any different, after all, I haven’t had the opportunity to walk face-to-face with Christ every day for three years?

• Am I blind to my own issues?
• How am I dealing with my sin?

“Love has to let the beloved choose.  Judas had made his choice.  Jesus had to let Judas walk away because he wasn’t ready to embrace the kingdom life.  He’d never been ready.  The lover gives the beloved a chance to see us before stepping over the threshold.  For three years Judas had said no.  In fact, earlier that night Jesus had told his disciples that it would not bode well for his betrayer : “here at this table, sitting among us as a friend, is the man who will betray me.  For I, the son of man, must die since it is part of God’s plan.  But how terrible it will be for my betrayer!” (Luke 22:21-22). Judas even ignored this warning and went ahead with his plan.  Judas’s life had been an open invitation to Satan for a long time.  Finally, the tempter came in and shut the door behind him.” (Story: Recapture the Mystery by Steven James)

• Do I know what love is? How am I exhibiting it to others?
• If Christ were here today, what would he say to me?

“A few years ago two elders had the task of approaching a man in their church who was in an adulterous relationship. On their way to the man’s home, one elder said to the other, “Do you believe that you too could fall into this sin? The reply was “No.” The elder who asked the question then said, “You are not qualified to approach this man” – the visit was canceled.” (Total Forgiveness by R.T. Kendall)

• If I were honest about the choices I make, would I consider myself better than others? Would Christ?
• Am I deceived enought to believe I could not fall into the sin I recognize in someone else?

“Last New Year’s Eve I was asked about my resolutions for the upcoming year. My response was “I am resolving to learn how to die.” Only when we are willing to die to ourselves will Christ fully live in us. This is the challenge to all who wrestle with God. Are you willing?” (God-Wrestling by Mike Evans)

Do I have a New Year’s resolution for 2008? Not yet, but by the time I make one I think I might have already accomplished a few things and learned a lot about God and myself in the process.