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When your Spiritual bottom falls out

February 11, 2008

The past two weeks have been a really tough time for me. I feel like the bottom dropped out of my spiritual life. Right now I don’t know what I believe, what is right, where I am at, or which direction to go. I am one of those people who has walked faithfully as a Christian my entire life. Even before I was a Christian I was raised in a Christian home and I lived by ethics and beliefs that are a part of the Christian faith. I know on the deepest levels of my heart, my head, and my soul that God exists, but I am at a point where the confusion is so deep about how to live out those beliefs that I feel paralyzed. My church likes to ask “what do you think it would look like….” Right now my answers to that seem to conflict with things others are telling me, and things that seem to make “common sense”. Maybe that is the problem. Maybe I am trying to understand this faith walk with an earthly mindset instead of a heavenly mindset.

Part of me wants to fight, to understand, to make sense of things. Part of me wants and needs answers. At the same time I think it might be best to not try to figure out what is of God and what is me/others/evil spirits. Instead, I just want to cling tightly to God and rest. I need God to make it clear if he exits, and why he exists. I am wearing myself out, when what I need is rest, hope, and peace. Sometimes it is time to fight, act, move, leave, but sometimes what we really need to do is stop, be still, wait, listen, and stop the “doing”.


God, you know my heart, my hopes, my fears, and your plan. My ways are so far from your ways and my thoughts don’t even come close to your thoughts. You have given me free will to fight, strive, and work out my salvation, but today I am coming to you with a heart that is tired, one that needs your rest. I don’t know what to believe, but I do still cling to the belief that you are the one to believe in. Calm me and show me the way.

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